Every time I closed my eyes from 2:30 on last night I imagined myself back up at camp. I imagined myself hanging out with my last croup of teen aged boys on our canoe trip or at camp just having run. I imagined myself hanging out in the tents with my co-workers and remembering those summer nights of just going out to the field once I took the campers back to their tents to look up at the stairs and talk with my co-workers.
Then I remembered what happened and I tried my hardest to block out the whole summer even the good parts because even those are to painful to remember.
I wanted to cry so bad last night but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t want to bring back that pain to the point of my breaking down yet again and not knowing what to do next.
I thought I was over this part. I understand that this is a life long memory that I will continue to face from here on out in my life but I guess I don’t understand why I have to have these moments where I can’t sleep at night because of the memories that come from what happened on that day in my life. I have tried so hard to suppress these memories so that I can move on and get over it.I have not had a day like this since right after Christmas so I guess I was due for another one I don’t know.
I know the healing process that comes from being rapped (even that is still hard for me to type and say) because I have been taught it and I have supported people who have been rapped but to go through it yourself is a different story. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but I never thought it was going to be this hard. I thought I was over with having these nights and days where it weighs on my thoughts. I know that it’s part of my healing process and I know it’s normal to have days like this for right now but it’s been 6 months how many more times am I going to have to have nights like these. I don’t want to have them for the rest of my life. That’s not fair. Well a lot of things aren’t fair from what happened but I should not have to go through this over and over again. I know that I am not alone and I am greatfull for that but at times that does not help because they are not me they don’t know what I am going through.
All I want to do is cry but there is no point of doing that. I should be past that point. This semester is suppose to be about me getting to do the things that I want and to completely move on with everything. To start new and that’s what it still is going to be about but these nights that I can’t sleep because I don’t want to close my eyes for what might come up need to stop. I guess this just means that the healing is still far from over but still moving in the right direction.
