So I think right now I am going to use this an outlet just to let everything that is on my mind out somewhere when I don’t know who to call up and talk to up here. I mean I have great friends but sometimes it’s just not enough you know?
So yesterday was a really really bad day for me for some reason. It felt that everything just came up all at once. I had so much hatred inside of me that I didn’t know how to deal with it. I hate myself sometimes for letting it happen, I hate him for doing this to me I hate that I have so much pain inside of me all the time. I wish I could take it back. I never wanted this to happen and I just hated everything. All I could do yesterday was cry and lay in my bed not doing anything. I finally got up at 5:30 to go outside of a walk but I didn’t even want to do that. After I got back from the walk I just slept all night and I still want to sleep today.
My good friend Aaron called me yesterday because he was worried about me a little bit and all I could do is cry over the phone. If you know me at all you know that I hate crying over anything but that’s all I could do. He asked me what was wrong and I told me that I have all this hatred and this pain and I just didn’t know what to do with it and I still don’t. We talked some more and it helped a little but I still felt like shit after wards. Before we ended the conversation we told each other that we loved each other and it felt good to hear that from a good friend.
I hate having bad days and this was the worse since my mom left me up here after everything happened. I just have never had to deal with such an on going pain before and it’s not fun. Nobody really knows what I am going through or the feelings that I am having but everybody says that they understand and that they are sorry. I understand that that’s all they can say or know how to say to make me feel a little better but I hate that just as much. Nobody can understand what I am going through not even people that have been through it before because everybody’s story is different. So please don’t tell me that you understand or that your sorry when you read this I really don’t want to hear it anymore I just needed a place to vent.
This pain with this experience will always stay with me and that sucks that really really sucks. This whole thing has put a different level of fear in me that I don’t really know how to deal with. I go and see a counselor but sometimes I avoid the subject because I don’t want to talk about it because what can they tell me that I have not heard from everybody else or try telling myself on the bad days that I have. I have been doing so much fucking better then where I started out from with this but I guess that had to end for just this one day. Yea they can give me suggestions on how to deal with the fear but it’s hard to do it. It’s hard to deal with this on a deeper level because I don’t want to talk about it anymore. It happened and yes it changed my life but it’s time to move on and just let it be in the past. This should not define me for who I am more then me being a white person.
So much has been taken away from me since that day and every once in a while I am tired of staying positive about the whole damn thing. I want all of my strength back not just some of it. I want to be able to have somebody over that I like and want to try and have a relationship with and cuddle on the couch without me freaking out about the whole being that close to somebody. Or just the simple thing of them putting their hands around my back near my waste without having a weird feeling about it like hey this should not be happening. Right now it does not matter what sex you are I still get those feelings and I want them to go away! I want to be able to be comfortable enough with those things that it does not bother me. I know that it will take time and it’s only been a little over 2 months since it all happened but still what the FUCK! I fucking hate this shit. I guess I have moved into a different stage of feelings when you deal with something like this. I wonder what the next stage of these feelings I will feel. I kinda skipped over the whole being depressed about this for weeks stage but at times that sometimes seems to go hand in hand with the pissed off stage for some reason.
Anyways I could write and write about this but I wont because that would take up to much of your guys time to sit down and read the whole mess that is in my head dealing with this.
later
