So lately I have been going through a really rough patch. I took a job at a summer camp and I thought that I would be able to be at a summer camp outside of Minnesota and everything would be alright. I thought that I was strong enough to handle all the memories and triggers that I could possibly have from what happened…
Well I guess I was wrong. I guess summer camp is just not for me anymore and its put me in a really dark place lately the sad thing is that the true campers for the camp don’t come until tomorrow but I just know that right now being at camp is not a good place for me to be but I don’t know where to go exactly. I need to find a place that I need to and figure things out. I know that going home is always an option and I know that it would be a good temporary place for me to go until I figure things out. It’s also been a long time since I have been there and it would feel nice to go back for a couple of weeks but I really enjoy being on the west coast and I don’t want to leave.
I think that right now my best bet is looking for jobs in a couple of cities in the west that I have thought about living in and applying to them and just see what happens. I might just tough it out at camp until I get my first pay check next month and then maybe head down to home in KY and visit family and take a trip to GA to visit a really close and supportive friend or see if I can head down to my friends house in Portland for a little bit and check it out.
I just needed to talk so to those who read this thanks I just have a lot of thinking to do and a lot on my mind. I do know that camp is not the best place for me right now at least not mentally good for me, I love being in the outdoors just not with all these memories that come back. I just have to convince myself that its a smart choice and that I should not feel bad about doing this or anything. Something is bound to happen and things will turn around I just need to give it time that’s all and something good will happen.
Tomorrow I have to take a stance on doing something that I didn’t do in front of the whole student senate. I have to wait and see if they are going to vote me out of my position of Director of Legislative Affairs tomorrow and if they do decide to vote me out I am done and I can’t do anything about it. I am trying to come to peace with everything just in case I do get voted out but just thinking about it gives me high anxiety and stress and worry. I know that the odds of me not getting voted out is decent but still its still scary. I don’t consider it fighting I consider it taking a stance for my own conviction and for what I know is true and believe in. I just hope that everything turns out the way that I want it to but only time will tell…. it’s going to be a long day and even longer day tomorrow everything goes down at 3 my time tomorrow. I think tonight I am going to prepare my speech for what I need to say to make this stance just so that I wont forget anything and then maybe do a speech just in case I do have to leave the Senate and everything I worked so hard for throughout the year…
So I am sitting in a coffee shop today enjoying the wonderful 45 degree weather that Minnesota has right now and an over powering thought came into my head that I should go and visit camp again but this time go with somebody. I called one of my closest girl friends that I have up here and she is going to come with me after she is done hanging out with her mom. So in a couple of hours we will take the hour long trip up to camp and see how far I can get before I have to turn around and leave. I hope I can get out of the car this time and at least walk on the grounds.
My head is all over the place right now and I am trying not to cry out in public with how high my anxiety is right now but normally when I get this thought and this erg to go to camp that means that I should do it.
This is going to end up being a longer day then what I thought it ever would be.
Wish me luck I guess.
So for one of my classed we do an online discussion and this weeks topic is called “one word” and what I have to do is use one “describing” word to describe myself to my class mates but I don’t know what word best describes me. For those of you who know me what you do think? What is one word that best describes me? Be honest to I am curious to see what you guys have to say.
Every time I closed my eyes from 2:30 on last night I imagined myself back up at camp. I imagined myself hanging out with my last croup of teen aged boys on our canoe trip or at camp just having run. I imagined myself hanging out in the tents with my co-workers and remembering those summer nights of just going out to the field once I took the campers back to their tents to look up at the stairs and talk with my co-workers.
Then I remembered what happened and I tried my hardest to block out the whole summer even the good parts because even those are to painful to remember.
I wanted to cry so bad last night but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t want to bring back that pain to the point of my breaking down yet again and not knowing what to do next.
I thought I was over this part. I understand that this is a life long memory that I will continue to face from here on out in my life but I guess I don’t understand why I have to have these moments where I can’t sleep at night because of the memories that come from what happened on that day in my life. I have tried so hard to suppress these memories so that I can move on and get over it.I have not had a day like this since right after Christmas so I guess I was due for another one I don’t know.
I know the healing process that comes from being rapped (even that is still hard for me to type and say) because I have been taught it and I have supported people who have been rapped but to go through it yourself is a different story. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but I never thought it was going to be this hard. I thought I was over with having these nights and days where it weighs on my thoughts. I know that it’s part of my healing process and I know it’s normal to have days like this for right now but it’s been 6 months how many more times am I going to have to have nights like these. I don’t want to have them for the rest of my life. That’s not fair. Well a lot of things aren’t fair from what happened but I should not have to go through this over and over again. I know that I am not alone and I am greatfull for that but at times that does not help because they are not me they don’t know what I am going through.
All I want to do is cry but there is no point of doing that. I should be past that point. This semester is suppose to be about me getting to do the things that I want and to completely move on with everything. To start new and that’s what it still is going to be about but these nights that I can’t sleep because I don’t want to close my eyes for what might come up need to stop. I guess this just means that the healing is still far from over but still moving in the right direction.
So I am experiencing a pretty heavy winter storm right now and it fucking sucks! There are cars that are stuck all over the place because people up here decide to be stupid and drive in this shit. It’s a complete white out and its messing up with my plans for tonight! Plus I am super board. Any suggestions on how to keep myself entertained?
So about a month ago my best friend Chris (who is black and the only reason why I say this is because in this story it makes a difference) and I were hanging out at school about ready to say good bye and go about doing our own thing when we gave each other a hug in the middle of the cafeteria at our college. Now normally this is not a big deal and we really don’t see a problem with this because that’s who we are and we just give each other hugs like it’s nothing.
Well during the time that we were hugging we realized that people were staring at us like we were doing something wrong. Like they have never seen a black person and a white person hug before. People seemed to think that it was unthinkable or unimaginable that two people of different color could hang out and give each other a hug. I do have to say that we go to the most diverse campus in the WHOLE midwest so I ask again what the hell is the problem?
This is not the first time that Chris and I have gotten looked at like we did something wrong. Every time we hang out outside of school just walking around the cities or going places together people have a tendency to stare at us like we did something wrong. And it’s not just one group staring at us it’s all different types of people just look at us like what we are doing is not normal.
Something similar happened at a conference about a week or two ago. There was a group of us two white girls two black people and one person from Ethiopia (sorry if spelled wrong). And we all were sitting next to each other in a group and it happened to be one black then one white then two black people and we were getting stared at by the rest of the people that were at this conference! I mean come on we were not doing anything wrong. We are just people having a good time and learning things at the conference.
The only reason why I have defined people by their race is to show a point. To me it does not matter what race you are but in stories like above it makes a big difference. I have not written about it up until now because it took me a while to process everything. To this day it still makes me fill uncomfortable to even think that I would get looked at differently because of the people that I am around that are of a different culture than I am from.
It’s the 21st century we should be past this. I mean it’s still a problem yes but who gives a damn really. I mean when I speak of Chris and people ask me what his race is or if I mention it there gets a tone with people that is like oh you hang out or talk to a black person. Get over yourself people. I mean come on in the over all picture of life does the color of the person’s skin really make a difference? I feel like I got a tiny look at what people of multicultural relationships are like and how difficult it can be for them. I feel like at times it plays a fact in our relationship and it’s a little bit of a burden.
I could care less about what color of skin you are or what your culture is but for most people it plays a fact into things. I don’t know I thought we have gotten past this for the most part but that’s putting too much faith into society. This wont stop me from hanging out or dating who ever I want just because of their culture or the color of their skin because in the long run it does NOT make a difference to me. And in the near future the white population is going to be a minority. So how do you white people feel about that? Get ready to be treated differently because of the color of your skin because your not going to be on top and have as much power as you have now. I wish you all the best of luck with coming to grips with that and dealing with that fact.
So ever since school started I have used Student Senate as my comfort place since I have gotten rapped over the summer time. I knew that coming back to school would be a really hard thing for me to do and I just wanted to bury what happened and just get back to what use to be my normal life. So I used Student Senate as a place to do that.
It started off not being a bad thing to do but over time it got worse for me. What I mean by that is that it got to the point where I went to school from 8 in the morning and stayed at school until 10:30 at night. I didn’t want to come home. I didn’t want to face the silence at night by myself. I thought that staying at school would fix all my problems and that I wouldn’t have to face them when I got home. I used the Senate room as my comfort place. As a place where I didn’t want to live because I didn’t want to face a different zone that was not comfortable for me.
I realized lately that I need to get away from that comfort zone of the Student Senate room. I need to start to move on and start to let things go more then what I did before. I need to find a different more suitable comfort zone and maybe that means to have more then one. I realized that I need to stop putting all of my comfort all into one activity because after this school year is over I will no longer have Student Senate and then I will be more lost then what I am now. I started to stop to show my face around the office this past week and I am going to stop hanging out there and start to be more of a normal student and start to do other things on my own.
I stopped going to see my therapist as well. I have not gone for about two months now. I am trying to move on and I felt that going to a therapist didn’t really help me do that. I mean at first I guess it was good to talk about the event and how it happened and to get my feelings out but I have not felt any different since I stopped going compared to when I did go.
I am just scared about what’s next with moving on. I am scared to find out what else it out there. I mean I have my best friend which is the most perfect human connection that you could possibly have in another person and he is my full support up here but even then that scares me.
I created a comfort zone that was good at the start of school but I need to move on from that and it scares me. I will always have my best friend but I guess it’s time to really start my “new” life and create my new “normal” but I just don’t know how to do that. But that’s my next big to figure out.
So there has been a lot on my mind lately with it been five months since I got rapped (still a hard word for me to say) and with the one year anniversary of my Meeme’s death come Monday not to mention the news about my Gramps being in the hospital due to getting a nose bleed which wont stop because of the blood thinners that he is on due to him having a bad heart. So with everything that has happened I have been thinking about how I don’t tell my friends or the people close to me how much they mean to me and how much a really do appreciate everything that they have done for me and how all the love and support that I have gotten has over whelmed me at times. I realized that life is to short and too many things are taken for granted. So for everybody that reads my posts on here or knows me more on a personal level I wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. The support that you have showed me in the past 5 months of my life and will continue to show whenever I come on here and vent or just let you know whats up really does mean a lot to me. I could never put it into words. So thank you! To my big sister and my brother in law that read my post I wanted to say thank you and I love the two of you a lot! you guys have been there for me and have always supported me and I know that I can always count on you I really do love you both! I don’t think that I would be able to do half the things or be where I am today without knowing that I have the two of you to lean on. Sis your an amazing person and I love you so much! I think that some of the strength that I have since everything has happened as come from you and the love that you show me on a daily basis. I don’t think that I would have been able to be up here doing most of my things if you were not there at the start to help me recover from everything. It means so much to me you have no idea. I look up to you and I am a huge supporter of who you are and what you want to do with your life. I have and will continue to respect you! To my brother-in-law your a kick ass brother in law to have! I am glad that you married my sister and apart of this family. I consider you my older brother that I never had and always wanted. Your a great musician and you treat my sister in the best way and I am glad to see her as happy as you have made her since you guys have been together. Keep up the good work! Your an awesome person and I have high respect for you! I could continue on with the list but it would be a long one and it would take a while to thank everybody that is in my life that I want to thank right now. But that you everybody who reads this and listens to me babble about things. My one suggestion is that you should not take people for granted and when you get an opportunity to tell somebody how you feel about them you should. You should share your thoughts with the people that you care about and if they do something good then you should let them know how proud you are of them and how much you appreciate them. A compliment can go a long way i have learned that recently. it can make a difference in somebody’s day even if they don’t say anything back to you. A smile goes a long well as well if you know somebody that is having a crappy day just smile at them and that can also make a difference.
Went to where it took place tonight. Didn’t get pass the gate to the place, didn’t get out of my car and just cried instead. I didn’t get to complete my good bye I am not strong enough to face that place by myself at least not right now. Maybe next time will be different. At least I tried right?
